It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
