Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
