oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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