I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
