Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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