i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
