I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
