Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
