I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
