I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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