Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
