I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
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How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
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He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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