your thong is hanging out like whoa
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
