he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
