your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
