Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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