true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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