Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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