I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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