I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
