Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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