Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
