goodnight i made you a song goodbye
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
