i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
