that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
