oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
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