How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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