I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
