My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
