you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
