Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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