If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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