I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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