WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
