and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He did a backflip because drugs
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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