Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
