I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
