Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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