A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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