i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
