RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
you traded sex for a burrito?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
