The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
