Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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