I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
