I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
