your parents love me but you hate me
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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