The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
