Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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