Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
