He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
