But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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