I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
