i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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