I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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