I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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