i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Vodka?
Forever.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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