When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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