I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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